Today was a good day. I got to sleep in my own bed and wake up in it. After being up in Nor Cal looking for a house I'm glad to be back with my own belongings. I ended up spending my afternoon and evening with Bry and we had a great time. I am so excited about how close she is to giving birth to Bellah (2 weeks) and excited just to be with her right now. We hung out, then went to Babies R Us where she spent a giftcard from her baby shower and I bought Michael size 6 diapers and got $8 off by buying a big pack of wipes with it. Dear me diapers are expensive! The box itself cost $45.99!!! for like 96! Then we went to Chic-fil-a and ate. Afterwards, we went to Barnes and Noble and looked for potty training books.
Michael has been telling me consistently for a good couple of weeks now when he goes peepee and poopy. I bought him a potty chair yesterday, and once I read up a little more on the training, I'm going to start training him right away.
We picked up Eric from work and then I dropped Bry and Eric off at their house. I had a great time and can't wait to hang out more. Then, I came home and played with Michael for a little while, until he started rubbing his eyes. I took him in my room and stuck him in the pack and play as he is still re adjusting to sleeping in his room again, but he was loud and happy. So, I let him play.
While he was playing, I turned on my computer and got online. There I saw a "cryptic" message on facebook that I assume could only mean something to do with me and it makes sense on why it means something to do with me, but I don't understand. I don't know what it means. All I know is that it hurt for some reason. I don't know how I fucked up so bad while doing something I really truly believe is right for me. I don't understand that how buying a house for myself despite being in Nor Cal instead of So Cal could cause so much hurt. I can understand there being initial hurt, but hurt like this on two different sides? I'm terrified of what I did so wrong that I'm not worthy of being talked to anymore. I'm so sick to my stomach and so stressed over the reactions that a single text message almost sent me into a panic attack.
Everyday I check facebook hoping for some kind of acknowledgement, or happiness and each day I am sad that I am all alone on this. I have so much support from friends and family, yet not from one of the sources that matters the most to me. All I want is support. I want support in a decision that I made, that I truly believe in. How can moving away be so bad that this is happening? What am I missing? What did I do?
I told Mikey about the facebook status, and he was confused. I explained the little bit that I thought I understood and then I lost it. I cried. I cried and blubbered and could barely talk or breathe. I got up to go blow my nose because I couldn't breathe at all through my nose, and Mikey kept telling Michael that he should tell me that he loved me because it would make me happy. Michael said it very clear when I came out and of course made me smile. It made everything better for a while even though there was still hurt, I could deal with it for my smiling little boy who for the first time told me, "Mama, I love you!"
Michael was tired and I almost had him asleep at one point, but Pandora was right on the edge of the bed where he could see her so he got up and that was it. He wouldn't lay back down. Then, he told me he had peepeed, so I was going to gather him up with his pillow and bottle to go change him, but I couldn't find his "baba." I kept looking everywhere that he normally throws it, but couldn't see it anywhere. I finally said, "Really?!?" and plain as day Michael repeated me perfectly. That made both Mike and I laugh. He kept repeating it while I looked for his bottle. Then I found it and gathered him up and changed him.
He's been in his bed for a good little while now almost putting himself to bed, but he got upset when Mike walked by his room to go get a drink. Now he's laying down again. He's so cute and I love him so much.
I'm going to do my best not to stress myself out more right now and go sing Michael to sleep since he's still whining since Mike walked by his room.
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