A lot has happened since I last wrote. Much of which I am terrified to talk about to most people for fear of them being too upset with me. I'm a bundle of nerves that I can't control. I blame the pregnancy for not being able to control my emotions as much as I would like to, but I know I'm emotional anyways so maybe it's not just the pregnancy.
I decided that I want to buy a house. While I love Southern California, I know that I can't get a house there like I would like to. My rent at my apartment just went up a couple of dollars to $1005 every month. That's for rent alone and nothing else. I'm terrified of the idea of having two little boys and living in an upstairs apartment. I was fine with one, but now Michael is old enough that he knows that the door will take you outside. He loves being outside and I hate that I can't take him outside to play as much as he'd should be allowed to. It makes me sad when he grabs my hand and pulls on it so that I'll get up off the couch and he'll lead me to the door because he wants to go outside, but I can't take him. There are a couple of places that I could carry him down the stairs to and he can play without him running into the parking lot of the apartment complex, but then I have to chase him off of neighbors stairs, or run after him when he's going after others who are walking their dogs and so on. He's an adventurous little boy and being pregnant, I just can't keep up with him. I know that when Jace arrives (the name we've picked for our next little boy) that I won't be able to carry the baby and chase Michael at the same time either.
The idea of having a back yard that is fenced in where I can sit down on some patio furniture and watch Michael run around and play all he wants while I hold Jace is a dream. I am so excited by the idea that he could run around and play outside like a little kid should. I can't wait to see him smile when he leads me to the door and I actually let him out the door because it's okay for him to go outside.
I'm excited about the idea of having a house instead of our tiny little apartment. Our little apartment which is too crowded for just the 3 of us. The little apartment where it looks messy even when it's clean because we don't have enough room for all of our belongings. I'm not even talking about the toys spread all through the house, because that's Michael's mess and I know it's going to be there and it's only going to get worse when Jace arrives and gets his own toys. Those are easy to pick up and put away. I'm talking more along the lines where our dining room is almost too small for our table in it's small form (without the elliptical that I stuck in there too). If we have guests over and we sit around the table, people have to get up to move if we want to walk into the kitchen.
I'm mostly just complaining, but it feels so good just to get it all out. I'm doing this for my little family that I've started, so that they can grow up happy. So I don't have to worry about where I'm going to put things when Jace arrives just to make room for him. So I can have people come over to visit and be happy with showing them where I live rather than be embarrassed about how messy I think the house looks whether it's actually messy or just cluttered.
If this house goes through it will be a dream come true and I am so excited about it. I'm scared because it's a big step out of my comfort zone, but I know once I do it and it's done that I will be so much happier. I'm also excited that if I get this house, I'll have a guest room so that family can stay with us. Something I've never really had was a place that family could stay with us. That's always been the couch or the floor in the living room.
I don't want anyone to hurt because I'm moving. I'm not moving for anyone or because of anyone but myself and my little boys. It was my idea and one of the biggest steps I've ever taken myself. Thank you to everyone who has shown me support in my decision and thank you for all of you who have even just shown understanding even though you don't agree with me for whatever the reason. I've thought it over many times, and I know that it's what I need to do for myself and my little boys. Mike gets to come along for the ride and there are job opportunities here for him like there are in Riverside for him. He might just have to commute like he would if we were still living in So. Cal. and hey, at least we didn't move to Canada like we thought we might have to for Mike's job when Michael was born. ;) Love you guys!
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