Lately I haven't been able to sleep. Half the time Mike can't sleep either. I have no idea why it is, but I really hate it. Okay, well I know that insomnia is a "symptom" of pregnancy, but is that why I can't sleep? I'm so tired that half the time I don't know if I even make sense. I wake up with Michael and try to nap if he takes a nap early enough, but when Mike is watching him and I do nap, I still don't get enough sleep to satisfy my body.
I'm tired, I'm sleepy and I have heartburn... and did I mention that I'm exhausted? I thought I should write about how tired I am and how I'm not getting any sleep, but I can't even think about what I should write. Even if I wanted to nap right now (which I don't only because it's close to bedtime, but not quite late enough yet for me) Michael is using my pillow. He was overtired but wouldn't lay down until he had half the blankets and pillows (all of which he calls "Dillows") off of my bed and in the pack n play with him. Not that he needs any blankets, it's so warm in here, he's sleeping on top of all of them. Mind you the house itself is cool, just our room is hot from the heat of the computers being on for a little while. The fan helps in addition to the AC though so that's nice. I guess that's all I really have to write about.
Although I went out with Bry today, she had an ultrasound and took me with her. I got to see Bellah, and while half of the ultrasound was really hard to even tell what was going on (because they were taking measurements) at the end we got to see her cute little face and her nose and mouth were really clear. I can't wait for Bry to have her, I'm so excited for her. :)
Jace is doing good and he's fairly active, but not as active as Michael was. Jace is at the point though where he's big enough that he likes to shove into my stomach and cause massive amounts of heart burn, make me feel sick, and just give me stomach pains whenever he feels like too. Sometimes he hits me from both the top of my stomach and on my pelvic floor as well, what an odd and fairly unpleasant sensation that is. I can't believe that he'll be here soon too.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Boppy Pillow!
Oh, dear boppy pillow how I missed you! Last pregnancy my mom got me this awesome boppy wedge pillow. It's a little wedge that you can stick under your growing belly to support it. I love this thing and have been meaning to get it back out, but it was buried in a box in Michael's closet. I finally got it out a couple of days ago. This is it:
Sadly, I kept leaving it in Michael's room and didn't want to go back in there to look for it in the dark, so there it stayed. I finally remembered it while I was in there last night and threw it into the hall way so I would see it when I left. Mike still had to remind me to pick it up. I'm glad though because it has eased a lot of my back pain already in one night. Whoever invented this little wedge was a genius.
Also as a note, my boobs have gone into super leak mode today. Uuugh....
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Full and Leaky
Last pregnancy I started having leaky boobies at 20 weeks. This time, I got an extra 5 weeks before I started. For the last three weeks I have had just a couple of drops here and there appear on my clothing from where my breasts are readying themselves for Jace's arrival.
I've also noticed that they are heavier and often I get a cold feeling, which makes me wonder if they are leaking. Usually they aren't yet, but later I'll find a drop or two of wetness on my shirt. Today however, my nipples were sensitive and sore. I lifted up my nightgown (which I wore half the day) and checked to make sure I was okay. Everything looked fine so I rubbed my hand down the sore area from the outer part of my breast toward the nipple and what do you know, colostrum! I was able to do it multiple times, which I did hoping to relieve some of the pressure and pain that I was starting to feel. I showed Mike, and he told me I should go buy the pump I was wanting so I could pump and relieve the pain. I thought of it for a moment, but couldn't figure out why I didn't want to, aside from the fact that I don't want to store colostrum. Then I remembered that nipple stimulation is supposed to help bring on labor and I really don't want to go into preterm labor just because I'm relieving some pressure from my boobs. How lame would that be?
So I guess I just now get to deal with leaky boobies and nipple pads for the rest of the pregnancy. I'll try a warm washcloth if they get sore again and see how that works.
I've also noticed that they are heavier and often I get a cold feeling, which makes me wonder if they are leaking. Usually they aren't yet, but later I'll find a drop or two of wetness on my shirt. Today however, my nipples were sensitive and sore. I lifted up my nightgown (which I wore half the day) and checked to make sure I was okay. Everything looked fine so I rubbed my hand down the sore area from the outer part of my breast toward the nipple and what do you know, colostrum! I was able to do it multiple times, which I did hoping to relieve some of the pressure and pain that I was starting to feel. I showed Mike, and he told me I should go buy the pump I was wanting so I could pump and relieve the pain. I thought of it for a moment, but couldn't figure out why I didn't want to, aside from the fact that I don't want to store colostrum. Then I remembered that nipple stimulation is supposed to help bring on labor and I really don't want to go into preterm labor just because I'm relieving some pressure from my boobs. How lame would that be?
So I guess I just now get to deal with leaky boobies and nipple pads for the rest of the pregnancy. I'll try a warm washcloth if they get sore again and see how that works.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Devastated Smiles
Today was a good day. I got to sleep in my own bed and wake up in it. After being up in Nor Cal looking for a house I'm glad to be back with my own belongings. I ended up spending my afternoon and evening with Bry and we had a great time. I am so excited about how close she is to giving birth to Bellah (2 weeks) and excited just to be with her right now. We hung out, then went to Babies R Us where she spent a giftcard from her baby shower and I bought Michael size 6 diapers and got $8 off by buying a big pack of wipes with it. Dear me diapers are expensive! The box itself cost $45.99!!! for like 96! Then we went to Chic-fil-a and ate. Afterwards, we went to Barnes and Noble and looked for potty training books.
Michael has been telling me consistently for a good couple of weeks now when he goes peepee and poopy. I bought him a potty chair yesterday, and once I read up a little more on the training, I'm going to start training him right away.
We picked up Eric from work and then I dropped Bry and Eric off at their house. I had a great time and can't wait to hang out more. Then, I came home and played with Michael for a little while, until he started rubbing his eyes. I took him in my room and stuck him in the pack and play as he is still re adjusting to sleeping in his room again, but he was loud and happy. So, I let him play.
While he was playing, I turned on my computer and got online. There I saw a "cryptic" message on facebook that I assume could only mean something to do with me and it makes sense on why it means something to do with me, but I don't understand. I don't know what it means. All I know is that it hurt for some reason. I don't know how I fucked up so bad while doing something I really truly believe is right for me. I don't understand that how buying a house for myself despite being in Nor Cal instead of So Cal could cause so much hurt. I can understand there being initial hurt, but hurt like this on two different sides? I'm terrified of what I did so wrong that I'm not worthy of being talked to anymore. I'm so sick to my stomach and so stressed over the reactions that a single text message almost sent me into a panic attack.
Everyday I check facebook hoping for some kind of acknowledgement, or happiness and each day I am sad that I am all alone on this. I have so much support from friends and family, yet not from one of the sources that matters the most to me. All I want is support. I want support in a decision that I made, that I truly believe in. How can moving away be so bad that this is happening? What am I missing? What did I do?
I told Mikey about the facebook status, and he was confused. I explained the little bit that I thought I understood and then I lost it. I cried. I cried and blubbered and could barely talk or breathe. I got up to go blow my nose because I couldn't breathe at all through my nose, and Mikey kept telling Michael that he should tell me that he loved me because it would make me happy. Michael said it very clear when I came out and of course made me smile. It made everything better for a while even though there was still hurt, I could deal with it for my smiling little boy who for the first time told me, "Mama, I love you!"
Michael was tired and I almost had him asleep at one point, but Pandora was right on the edge of the bed where he could see her so he got up and that was it. He wouldn't lay back down. Then, he told me he had peepeed, so I was going to gather him up with his pillow and bottle to go change him, but I couldn't find his "baba." I kept looking everywhere that he normally throws it, but couldn't see it anywhere. I finally said, "Really?!?" and plain as day Michael repeated me perfectly. That made both Mike and I laugh. He kept repeating it while I looked for his bottle. Then I found it and gathered him up and changed him.
He's been in his bed for a good little while now almost putting himself to bed, but he got upset when Mike walked by his room to go get a drink. Now he's laying down again. He's so cute and I love him so much.
I'm going to do my best not to stress myself out more right now and go sing Michael to sleep since he's still whining since Mike walked by his room.
Michael has been telling me consistently for a good couple of weeks now when he goes peepee and poopy. I bought him a potty chair yesterday, and once I read up a little more on the training, I'm going to start training him right away.
We picked up Eric from work and then I dropped Bry and Eric off at their house. I had a great time and can't wait to hang out more. Then, I came home and played with Michael for a little while, until he started rubbing his eyes. I took him in my room and stuck him in the pack and play as he is still re adjusting to sleeping in his room again, but he was loud and happy. So, I let him play.
While he was playing, I turned on my computer and got online. There I saw a "cryptic" message on facebook that I assume could only mean something to do with me and it makes sense on why it means something to do with me, but I don't understand. I don't know what it means. All I know is that it hurt for some reason. I don't know how I fucked up so bad while doing something I really truly believe is right for me. I don't understand that how buying a house for myself despite being in Nor Cal instead of So Cal could cause so much hurt. I can understand there being initial hurt, but hurt like this on two different sides? I'm terrified of what I did so wrong that I'm not worthy of being talked to anymore. I'm so sick to my stomach and so stressed over the reactions that a single text message almost sent me into a panic attack.
Everyday I check facebook hoping for some kind of acknowledgement, or happiness and each day I am sad that I am all alone on this. I have so much support from friends and family, yet not from one of the sources that matters the most to me. All I want is support. I want support in a decision that I made, that I truly believe in. How can moving away be so bad that this is happening? What am I missing? What did I do?
I told Mikey about the facebook status, and he was confused. I explained the little bit that I thought I understood and then I lost it. I cried. I cried and blubbered and could barely talk or breathe. I got up to go blow my nose because I couldn't breathe at all through my nose, and Mikey kept telling Michael that he should tell me that he loved me because it would make me happy. Michael said it very clear when I came out and of course made me smile. It made everything better for a while even though there was still hurt, I could deal with it for my smiling little boy who for the first time told me, "Mama, I love you!"
Michael was tired and I almost had him asleep at one point, but Pandora was right on the edge of the bed where he could see her so he got up and that was it. He wouldn't lay back down. Then, he told me he had peepeed, so I was going to gather him up with his pillow and bottle to go change him, but I couldn't find his "baba." I kept looking everywhere that he normally throws it, but couldn't see it anywhere. I finally said, "Really?!?" and plain as day Michael repeated me perfectly. That made both Mike and I laugh. He kept repeating it while I looked for his bottle. Then I found it and gathered him up and changed him.
He's been in his bed for a good little while now almost putting himself to bed, but he got upset when Mike walked by his room to go get a drink. Now he's laying down again. He's so cute and I love him so much.
I'm going to do my best not to stress myself out more right now and go sing Michael to sleep since he's still whining since Mike walked by his room.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
A Bundle of Nerves
A lot has happened since I last wrote. Much of which I am terrified to talk about to most people for fear of them being too upset with me. I'm a bundle of nerves that I can't control. I blame the pregnancy for not being able to control my emotions as much as I would like to, but I know I'm emotional anyways so maybe it's not just the pregnancy.
I decided that I want to buy a house. While I love Southern California, I know that I can't get a house there like I would like to. My rent at my apartment just went up a couple of dollars to $1005 every month. That's for rent alone and nothing else. I'm terrified of the idea of having two little boys and living in an upstairs apartment. I was fine with one, but now Michael is old enough that he knows that the door will take you outside. He loves being outside and I hate that I can't take him outside to play as much as he'd should be allowed to. It makes me sad when he grabs my hand and pulls on it so that I'll get up off the couch and he'll lead me to the door because he wants to go outside, but I can't take him. There are a couple of places that I could carry him down the stairs to and he can play without him running into the parking lot of the apartment complex, but then I have to chase him off of neighbors stairs, or run after him when he's going after others who are walking their dogs and so on. He's an adventurous little boy and being pregnant, I just can't keep up with him. I know that when Jace arrives (the name we've picked for our next little boy) that I won't be able to carry the baby and chase Michael at the same time either.
The idea of having a back yard that is fenced in where I can sit down on some patio furniture and watch Michael run around and play all he wants while I hold Jace is a dream. I am so excited by the idea that he could run around and play outside like a little kid should. I can't wait to see him smile when he leads me to the door and I actually let him out the door because it's okay for him to go outside.
I'm excited about the idea of having a house instead of our tiny little apartment. Our little apartment which is too crowded for just the 3 of us. The little apartment where it looks messy even when it's clean because we don't have enough room for all of our belongings. I'm not even talking about the toys spread all through the house, because that's Michael's mess and I know it's going to be there and it's only going to get worse when Jace arrives and gets his own toys. Those are easy to pick up and put away. I'm talking more along the lines where our dining room is almost too small for our table in it's small form (without the elliptical that I stuck in there too). If we have guests over and we sit around the table, people have to get up to move if we want to walk into the kitchen.
I'm mostly just complaining, but it feels so good just to get it all out. I'm doing this for my little family that I've started, so that they can grow up happy. So I don't have to worry about where I'm going to put things when Jace arrives just to make room for him. So I can have people come over to visit and be happy with showing them where I live rather than be embarrassed about how messy I think the house looks whether it's actually messy or just cluttered.
If this house goes through it will be a dream come true and I am so excited about it. I'm scared because it's a big step out of my comfort zone, but I know once I do it and it's done that I will be so much happier. I'm also excited that if I get this house, I'll have a guest room so that family can stay with us. Something I've never really had was a place that family could stay with us. That's always been the couch or the floor in the living room.
I don't want anyone to hurt because I'm moving. I'm not moving for anyone or because of anyone but myself and my little boys. It was my idea and one of the biggest steps I've ever taken myself. Thank you to everyone who has shown me support in my decision and thank you for all of you who have even just shown understanding even though you don't agree with me for whatever the reason. I've thought it over many times, and I know that it's what I need to do for myself and my little boys. Mike gets to come along for the ride and there are job opportunities here for him like there are in Riverside for him. He might just have to commute like he would if we were still living in So. Cal. and hey, at least we didn't move to Canada like we thought we might have to for Mike's job when Michael was born. ;) Love you guys!
I decided that I want to buy a house. While I love Southern California, I know that I can't get a house there like I would like to. My rent at my apartment just went up a couple of dollars to $1005 every month. That's for rent alone and nothing else. I'm terrified of the idea of having two little boys and living in an upstairs apartment. I was fine with one, but now Michael is old enough that he knows that the door will take you outside. He loves being outside and I hate that I can't take him outside to play as much as he'd should be allowed to. It makes me sad when he grabs my hand and pulls on it so that I'll get up off the couch and he'll lead me to the door because he wants to go outside, but I can't take him. There are a couple of places that I could carry him down the stairs to and he can play without him running into the parking lot of the apartment complex, but then I have to chase him off of neighbors stairs, or run after him when he's going after others who are walking their dogs and so on. He's an adventurous little boy and being pregnant, I just can't keep up with him. I know that when Jace arrives (the name we've picked for our next little boy) that I won't be able to carry the baby and chase Michael at the same time either.
The idea of having a back yard that is fenced in where I can sit down on some patio furniture and watch Michael run around and play all he wants while I hold Jace is a dream. I am so excited by the idea that he could run around and play outside like a little kid should. I can't wait to see him smile when he leads me to the door and I actually let him out the door because it's okay for him to go outside.
I'm excited about the idea of having a house instead of our tiny little apartment. Our little apartment which is too crowded for just the 3 of us. The little apartment where it looks messy even when it's clean because we don't have enough room for all of our belongings. I'm not even talking about the toys spread all through the house, because that's Michael's mess and I know it's going to be there and it's only going to get worse when Jace arrives and gets his own toys. Those are easy to pick up and put away. I'm talking more along the lines where our dining room is almost too small for our table in it's small form (without the elliptical that I stuck in there too). If we have guests over and we sit around the table, people have to get up to move if we want to walk into the kitchen.
I'm mostly just complaining, but it feels so good just to get it all out. I'm doing this for my little family that I've started, so that they can grow up happy. So I don't have to worry about where I'm going to put things when Jace arrives just to make room for him. So I can have people come over to visit and be happy with showing them where I live rather than be embarrassed about how messy I think the house looks whether it's actually messy or just cluttered.
If this house goes through it will be a dream come true and I am so excited about it. I'm scared because it's a big step out of my comfort zone, but I know once I do it and it's done that I will be so much happier. I'm also excited that if I get this house, I'll have a guest room so that family can stay with us. Something I've never really had was a place that family could stay with us. That's always been the couch or the floor in the living room.
I don't want anyone to hurt because I'm moving. I'm not moving for anyone or because of anyone but myself and my little boys. It was my idea and one of the biggest steps I've ever taken myself. Thank you to everyone who has shown me support in my decision and thank you for all of you who have even just shown understanding even though you don't agree with me for whatever the reason. I've thought it over many times, and I know that it's what I need to do for myself and my little boys. Mike gets to come along for the ride and there are job opportunities here for him like there are in Riverside for him. He might just have to commute like he would if we were still living in So. Cal. and hey, at least we didn't move to Canada like we thought we might have to for Mike's job when Michael was born. ;) Love you guys!
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